


Slow News Day

by sarcasticsra



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, News Media, Polygamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-27
Updated: 2012-09-27
Packaged: 2017-11-15 03:36:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/522708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasticsra/pseuds/sarcasticsra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark is no stranger to the media, no matter what universe he's in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slow News Day

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Stark Spouse #N](https://archiveofourown.org/works/964015) by [TigerKat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TigerKat/pseuds/TigerKat). 
  * Inspired by [Achievement Unlocked](https://archiveofourown.org/works/964026) by [TigerKat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TigerKat/pseuds/TigerKat). 



> This is a companion to [](http://bookblather.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**bookblather**](http://bookblather.dreamwidth.org/)'s excellent fic, [Stark Spouse #N](http://bookblather.dreamwidth.org/98373.html), set in an alternate universe where polygamous couples are the norm (though Tony, of course, still manages to be unique). This was ridiculously fun to write, almost as fun as hers was to read. Definitely check it out! Thanks to her and to Kelly for reading this over.

Which indiscriminate playboy and his long-time BFF tied the knot in Vegas this weekend, after a long, long night of partying hard and drinking heavily?

This marks the first marriage for each of these two lovebirds, but given the participants involved and their not-so-auspicious beginning, sources close to the couple are already wondering how long it’s really going to last.

Though this particular media attention magnet has dealt with his share of public outcry, a possible looming future divorce would still easily become the biggest and most potentially disastrous public relations scandal of his career.

One supposes he didn’t stop to consider this before downing those shots and saying, “I do.”

\---

“Ms. Potts! Excuse me, Ms. Potts! Do you have a moment?”

Pepper gave the camera her most professional smile as she made her way to the elevator. “I’m afraid not. Excuse me.”

“We just have a couple questions about your recent engagement to Mr. Stark,” he pressed on. “There are rumors that you accepted his proposal under duress, that there’s coercion involved, he’s forcing you into it. We’re just trying to find out if there’s any truth to these allegations.”

“Oh, is that what you’re doing?” she asked, tone deceptively even. The elevator doors opened and she stepped inside. “Well, I will say that I encourage anyone worried about my well-being to voice their concerns directly to me, so I can properly reassure them in person.” She smiled at the camera again. “Have a nice day.”

The elevator doors closed.

\---

“So, Stark and Banner, this is—what? What’s your take on this?” the host, Will McKinnon, asked his first guest—Ronald Boxer.

“It looks good,” Ronald said promptly. “That’s all. PR. Dr. Banner is a cut-rate scientist, and practically a liability as the Hulk, so sooner or later everyone’s going to question why he’s even an Avenger in the first place. This, perhaps, postpones those questions for awhile—it’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“Do you agree, Matt?” Will asked his second guest.

“I actually think Dr. Banner is just bought and paid for,” said Matthew Trilby. “Sources say that Stark just gave him a brand new, top-of-the-line, private lab in Stark Tower, and he is not the kind of guy who does something like that out of the goodness of his heart. There’s clearly some kind of quid pro quo. PR would explain some of it, but not all, I don’t think.”

“Two very interesting theories,” said Will, nodding, and turned to his last guest, Nicole Wetherby. “What about you, Nicole? What do you think?”

“I’m more interested in the cultural ramifications than speculating about personal motives,” she said, giving him a wan smile. “The interesting thing is that, following this announcement, Stark Industries’ stock jumped—”

“Temporary,” said Matt, dismissively.

“Probably, but it is interesting. I think underscores a broader cultural picture—that people really want to see the Avengers as a unit. Two of them getting married—it speaks to that.”

“So you agree, it’s a PR stunt,” said Ronald.

“I didn’t say that,” she said.

“But you just said, it makes us, the people, more inclined to like them. That’s what PR is all about.” He shrugged. “It’s like a TV show hiking up the drama during Sweeps to boost ratings. That’s all.”

“I think Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner, whatever their reasons—”

“For this financial transaction,” interrupted Matt.

“I think none of us know,” she continued, her smile strained. “I think they _probably_ got married for the same reason that most people get married, because that’s what people _do_ , but I think it’s more interesting—”

Matt scoffed. “You can’t be one of those idiots thinking this is true love—”

“The man holding a decade-long grudge against Mr. Stark because he fired him for gross incompetence does not get to call me an idiot,” Nicole said, voice icy.

“Now, now, there’s no need—” started Ronald.

“No, you’re just as much of a punch line,” she cut in, standing. “Dr. Banner consistently showed you up in college, and you’re _still_ bitter. This entire _segment_ is a farce.”

She stalked off the set.

\---

**POP CULTURE REDUX:** A lot of people were really surprised, and maybe a little concerned, about your first marriage—about Captain America’s first marriage—being to Mr. Tony Stark, someone who already has three spouses, because of the implications that brings. Can you comment at all about that, and if that consideration factored into the decision in any way?

 **STEVE ROGERS:** Well, first of all, this isn’t my first marriage.

 **POP CULTURE REDUX:** Oh? You’re already married?

 **STEVE ROGERS:** I am. Back before I was Captain America, when I was just Steve, I married my best friend, Bucky Barnes. We were eighteen. He, unfortunately, died in the war.

 **PCR:** Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. He died in World War II?

 **SR:** Thank you. Yes, that’s right. And I think this is important to note, because the truth is, most of the time, I’m not Captain America. I’m just Steve, a guy who’s trying to live his life. Sure, my life is far from normal, and I am very aware that I’m a symbol, that Captain America is a symbol, but I don’t think that symbols should overshadow real people, you know? Symbols are only as good or as helpful as they are genuine.

I also think that this particular implication you’re talking about—uh, the idea that Tony doesn’t love me as much as he loves Rhodey [James “Rhodey” Rhodes], Pepper [Virginia “Pepper” Potts], or Bruce [Banner] because he married them first? I think that’s just ridiculous.

So with those two things in mind, even if this—that is, me marrying Tony—had been my first marriage, my concern would not have been about any societal implications. My concern would have been, and was, about the fact that I love Tony, and Tony loves me, and we wanted to marry each other. And as much as I love America, when it comes to my personal life, that’s always how it’s going to be. I can and would give my life for my country, but I’m not going to give up my identity, you know?

\---

  
  
beginning  


 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                  1m  
oh my god everything is beautiful and nothing hurts  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                  3m  
what what what is happening is that a TIGER?  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                  6m  
are those ACROBATS?  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                19m  
everything here is larger than it should be  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                21m  
and I’m already sorta drunk  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                22m  
Okay the booze here is ridiculous…I think I just drank alien ale.  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                25m  
…I didn’t know they made wine glasses in that size.  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                29m  
And now *Thor* is making out with Captain America. This is the best party ever.  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                33m  
Now I think he’s making out with Captain America…well, spouse #4.  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                36m  
I just met Tony Stark!!!!!!!!  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                41m  
SPOKE TOO SOON. That idiot went down FAST.  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                51m  
I count at least eighteen people who could kill me with their pinkies. Do they really think someone’s  
gonna start shit HERE?  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                  1h  
Also, tons of backup dancers.  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                  1h  
There are ten different bands.  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                  1h  
OH MY GOD, JARVIS JUST TALKED TO ME.  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                  1h  
Oh my god, I’m walking inside Avengers Tower.  
Expand

 **Jacqueline** @jackiejumpedover                                                                                                                  3h  
A wedding reception for Thor and *Tony Stark*? This is going to be *epic*.  
Expand

\---

**Warren Combs**  
Just heard Tony Stark is marrying Jane freaking Foster. First Banner, now her. Why does Tony Stark get all the hot scientists?  
Like • Comment • Monday at 6:39pm

6 people like this.

 **Allison Schall** Because…he is one?  
Monday at 6:47pm • Like

 **Warren Combs** Do you think they have science dirty talk?  
Monday at 6:50pm • Like

 **Rachael Taggart** omg, i hope so. yeah, imagining that…i’ll be in my bunk.  
Monday at 6:58pm • Like

 **Colin Young** Ugh, so sick of hearing about this. It’s his SIXTH ONE, the sheen has worn off, guys.  
Monday at 7:02pm • Like

 **Allison Schall** Uh, the point is that all a person’s marriages are important, be it the first or eighteenth.  
Monday at 7:09pm • Like

 **Colin Young** Protectors are so deluded if they really believe that. Then again, they think marrying everyone and their brother is the way to ~fulfillment~ so idk why I’m even surprised.  
Monday at 7:11pm • Like

 **Allison Schall** At least our religion allows for the possibility that the Earth is more than 6000 years old. Just saying.  
Monday at 7:19pm • Like

 **Warren Combs** Hey, hey. This post is supposed to be about sexy science love, not religious debate. Take it to messages if you want to have it out.  
Monday at 7:27pm • Like

 **Rachael Taggart** also the truly important question is: if Stark, Banner, and Foster are in a room together, which is more likely to be happening: sex or science?  
Monday at 7:39pm • Like

 **Persephone Quinn** …it can’t be both?  
Monday at 7:50pm • Like

\---

**A DESPERATE TONY STARK TRIES AGAIN**

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen: billionaire mogul **Tony Stark** has just announced engagement number seven, this time to recent grad student **Darcy Lewis**. Unsurprisingly, Ms. Lewis is already married to two of Mr. Stark’s other spouses: **Jane Foster** and **Thor Odinson**.

It’s common knowledge by this point that none of these so-called marriages are genuine. There is considerable evidence that Mr. Stark, a man of substantial means, has been paying off each and every one of his supposed _true loves_ in increasingly desperate attempts to hide his real nature. It’s just too bad everything linking him to various and sundry underground Christian cult organizations can’t be bought, huh? We’re not fooled, Mr. Stark.

We do have a word of advice, though: Maybe if these ‘marriages’ of yours weren’t so incestuous, we’d all buy the act a little more.

\---

**Re: Tony Stark is a prime example of the evils of polygamy/Six Truths run rampant**

Dude, are you kidding me with this? I’m as Christian as they come, but Tony Stark is probably the worst example you could have used here. For one thing, the man is a billionaire. If you’re going to go on a whole screed about how financially irresponsible polygamy is, maybe not pick someone who could literally afford to marry half a million people before making a noticeable dent in his net worth.

For another thing, he’s pretty damn secular. None of his weddings have been overly traditional, and he’s admitted in countless interviews that he’s, at best, a Solstice Protector, and that he finds it hard to believe in any kind of divine creator(s) without proof.

Lastly, the Maria Stark Foundation is one of the few Six Truths-affiliated charitable organizations that does _not_ object to working with Christian charitable organizations, provided they have anti-discrimination policies in place. (And, frankly, as a queer Christian, I appreciate that a lot.)

Please get another scapegoat. You’re making the rest of us look bad.

\---

It’s hardly news at this point, an announcement that Tony Stark is getting married—this one marks the ninth such occasion, to fellow Avenger Clint “Hawkeye” Barton.

Still, we here at SixBySix.com wish the eccentric billionaire and his newest intended the best of luck.

We promise our wishes are sincere, even as we idly wonder if Tony Stark thinks he’s going to get some kind of prize for collecting the whole set. A commemorative pen, perhaps? Maybe an engraved plaque upon receipt of all five marriage licenses? The possibilities are endless.

All kidding aside: congratulations, Mr. Stark, Mr. Barton; may you have many happy returns.

\---

Marriage is sacred. That’s a core tenet of our religion, the idea that to love many is to love like the Gods themselves, to nurture our families as the Six nurture us.

Once you start marrying everyone in your immediate vicinity, marriage becomes less sacred and more like a game. It becomes a formality, a convenience, maybe even a novelty, and that is something I consider unacceptable.

Tony Stark is a notable secularist, yet he’s being touted as the quintessential Protector, and I, for one, would like to clearly stake my distance from this man’s irresponsible brand of polygamy. The practice is supposed to be about family, deep connection, and love, not seeing if you can collect the most toys.

That may sound harsh, but this is about our children. It’s not a game of Pokémon.

_Click to continue reading ‘Gotta Catch ‘Em All: Why Tony Stark Is Not a Protectorate Role Model’..._

\---

Marie glanced up when Paul started laughing, hard, at whatever he was looking at on his computer. “Did you finally crack under the pressure?” she asked him, idly.

He just kept laughing and shook his head, beckoning her over. Raising her eyebrows, she stood and made her way over, hovering right behind his chair. Leaning in, she squinted as she read what was pulled up—a statement from Stark Industries’ press liaison.

Marie slapped a hand against her forehead the second the information sunk in. “ _Again_?” she said. “He’s seriously getting married _again_?”

“Yep!” Paul said brightly, still letting out the occasional giggle. “Gods, I owe Penny fifty bucks. I was _so convinced_ he was going to stop at ten!”

She snorted. “If it were anyone other than Tony Stark…hey, do you think we could just recycle a previous reaction piece? Search and replace the soon-to-be new spouse’s name?” She paused for a second, considering. “Or would that be fundamentally wrong?”

Paul giggled again. “I think that would fall under ‘fundamentally wrong,’ yeah.”

“Yeah,” she said, sighing. “You’re probably right.”

\---

“What do you have to say to the people who say you’re not a role model for Protectors?”

“That’s a gross mischaracterization,” said Tony, easily. “I’m not any kind of role model. Singling out a particular brand of role model I’m not is just incredibly misleading.”

There was a smattering of laughter, and then another question: “Do you have any response to the allegations that your marriages are for show, intended to cover up a Christian background?”

“I’d like to meet the sort of person who looks at me and goes, ‘That guy, right there? Yeah, the one with eleven spouses? He’s definitely a secret Christian monogamist, it couldn’t be more obvious,’” Tony replied. “Truthfully, though, I just love it. I have a couple of those articles framed. They’re hilarious.”

“Is this it as far as marriage goes?” asked another reporter. “Or do you think you’ll get married again?”

“Why, are you proposing?” Tony asked, to more laughter. “Who knows? I didn’t plan to have eleven spouses. Hell, if you ask Pepper, I never plan anything.” More laughter. “It depends on what happens. I can say without out a doubt that I love all the people I’ve married—that’s what they all have in common. That’s the X factor.”

A thoughtful pause fell over the room, and Tony shifted slightly, pushing up his sunglasses and breaking out a rakish grin. “Now, next question, and this time I promise not to be so sincere.”


End file.
